07 | 15 | 2017
It’s been 10 days since you came into this world, yet as I sit here on the bed, watching you sleep in your bassinet, seeing your tiny chest rise and fall with each breath, I still cannot believe that you are actually here. I am so totally in awe at you and what we went through together just 10 short days ago. It was an experience that no amount of books or movies or practice could have prepared us for because in the moment, we were merely bystanders to the glorious wisdom and process of our bodies working together to do just what they were made to do.
If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout this pregnancy and labour, it is to trust in my body. I did my very best to eat right and stay healthy (okay, okay, I didn’t totally give up the Cheetos), but in the end, I had to trust that my body would grow and nourish your tiny body and bring you to us when you were ready. Week after week, your papa and I would hike Bear’s Hump and talk and dream of what you would look like, be like, and what we wanted life to be like for you. He would often interview me from the lookout and after I finished cursing the wind, we would send our love to you and let you know just how excited we were for you to join our family.
In the months leading up to your birth, we decided we wanted to have a natural hospital birth experience. I don’t know the exact moment the decision was made but I knew I wanted to feel all the sensations, good and bad, and experience for myself what so many women before me, including my own sweet mother, have experienced. We knew we would need some extra help and support and decided to hire a doula to coach us through this intimate journey. We met Kim through the community and I was always impressed by her sweet and calm demeanor, so when we found out she was a doula, we knew right away we wanted to invite her to help guide us in our passage into parenthood. We spent months reading books and articles, practicing pain relief techniques, watching prenatal videos, and writing out our birth plan.
You must have been so cozy and content inside of me because your due date came and went and still we climbed the hump and anticipated your arrival. We tried walking, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, taking evening primrose oil, and all the other ideas thrown at us to nudge you to come, but 10 days passed and still you were in no rush. Grandma and grandpa came up from Idaho and together with the rest of the family, we awaited your arrival by going on walks, picking wildflowers at the land, and making lots of yummy meals to put in the freezer. Grandpa even decided he wouldn't shave until the day you came--so needless to say, he was looking a little scruffy when he finally met you. The day before you were born, we went into the hospital for a check-up and the doctors advised us that your time in my tummy was running out and we needed to consider some alternate measures. We considered acupuncture and Bowen therapy, but in the end realized that time was already of the essence and decided to start with a minimally invasive induction agent called Cervidil and at 1pm we started the process that would eventually lead to your birth. After the medication was inserted, we went home and spent the afternoon reading, relaxing, and working our way through the mildly uncomfortable contractions that started to come more and more frequently.
If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout this pregnancy and labour, it is to trust in my body. I did my very best to eat right and stay healthy (okay, okay, I didn’t totally give up the Cheetos), but in the end, I had to trust that my body would grow and nourish your tiny body and bring you to us when you were ready. Week after week, your papa and I would hike Bear’s Hump and talk and dream of what you would look like, be like, and what we wanted life to be like for you. He would often interview me from the lookout and after I finished cursing the wind, we would send our love to you and let you know just how excited we were for you to join our family.
In the months leading up to your birth, we decided we wanted to have a natural hospital birth experience. I don’t know the exact moment the decision was made but I knew I wanted to feel all the sensations, good and bad, and experience for myself what so many women before me, including my own sweet mother, have experienced. We knew we would need some extra help and support and decided to hire a doula to coach us through this intimate journey. We met Kim through the community and I was always impressed by her sweet and calm demeanor, so when we found out she was a doula, we knew right away we wanted to invite her to help guide us in our passage into parenthood. We spent months reading books and articles, practicing pain relief techniques, watching prenatal videos, and writing out our birth plan.
You must have been so cozy and content inside of me because your due date came and went and still we climbed the hump and anticipated your arrival. We tried walking, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, taking evening primrose oil, and all the other ideas thrown at us to nudge you to come, but 10 days passed and still you were in no rush. Grandma and grandpa came up from Idaho and together with the rest of the family, we awaited your arrival by going on walks, picking wildflowers at the land, and making lots of yummy meals to put in the freezer. Grandpa even decided he wouldn't shave until the day you came--so needless to say, he was looking a little scruffy when he finally met you. The day before you were born, we went into the hospital for a check-up and the doctors advised us that your time in my tummy was running out and we needed to consider some alternate measures. We considered acupuncture and Bowen therapy, but in the end realized that time was already of the essence and decided to start with a minimally invasive induction agent called Cervidil and at 1pm we started the process that would eventually lead to your birth. After the medication was inserted, we went home and spent the afternoon reading, relaxing, and working our way through the mildly uncomfortable contractions that started to come more and more frequently.
Come evening, your grandma ran us a bath while your sweet auntie Jasmine played the harp for us to calm our spirits and ease the discomfort.
After about an hour in the tub, it was time for us to head back to the hospital for our scheduled check-up and by then the contractions were coming consistently every 3 minutes so we knew things were picking up. I called daddy (who was out changing the oil in our car—yes last minute is how we like to do things), and I told him I thought we should go to the hospital sooner than later. He made it home and we packed up all our gear in the car and headed off. The contractions were intensifying during the car ride, and though not unbearable by any means, required some concentration and breathing to get through.
When we got to the hospital, I was hooked up to the monitor to hear the always reassuring “thump thump” of your tiny heart, just beating away, never in any distress. The doctor came to check on our progress at about 10pm and after a quick cervical exam and removal of the Cervidil, informed us that we were only 3cm dilated with no real effacement. I wasn’t surprised, as the contractions had not been intense by any means, but he suggested that because we live so far away, we stay the night just in case things picked up.
Shortly after he left, things started to pick up a bit and we decided to call our doula, Kim, to join us. We tried to go for a walk in the halls, but didn’t make it to the door because of the pressure, and decided to just walk around the room, stopping during contractions for papa to hold me up. Kim arrived and set up the room for labor with salt lamps, and a diffuser for essential oils. I spent the next couple hours with the lights turned down low, draped over the yoga ball, squatting between papas knees, or on all fours during contractions. Kim and papa worked together to ease my pain by putting pressure on my back, gripping my hands, and whispering words of encouragement and reassurance that everything was going as it should.
A couple hours later, we decided to take a hot bath and as soon as I lowered my exhausted body into the water, with my head resting on papas lap, the pain and contractions went away. The relief was immediate and I found myself wishing I could stay in that moment forever. Unfortunately though, we had a job to do, and we couldn’t bring you into this world unless we continued on the path. In her sweet way, Kim suggested we get out of our watery reprieve and continue our efforts. And so, reluctantly, we did. With the contractions still virtually gone, our nurse, Rosy, came to check on us and do another cervical exam. When she informed us that we were still only 3cm dilated with virtually no effacement, I felt so discouraged and exhausted. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and she suggested that we take advantage of this time to rest. As we discussed Kim going home to get some sleep, and papa taking a nap, the contractions started up again and before we knew it, we were in the full swing of labour once again. Only this time, the pressure was so much more intense as your little body sank lower and lower into my pelvis. We got back on the yoga mat where we would stay until just before you were born.
The pain I felt over the next 2 hours was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I felt so much pressure and tightening with each contraction and dreaded each wave as it came. No longer did I feel relief with added touch by papa or Kim, and instead just stayed on my hands and knees and gripped their hands so firmly as I tried my best to breathe through the pain. With each passing surge, Kim reminded me that I was doing this for you, my little baby boy, and that each contraction was bringing us closer to you being placed in our arms. I felt totally in the zone as I succumbed to the sensations of my body and tried my best to transport myself to a warm yoga mat in the sun on a sandy beach.
After a couple hours of this exhausting effort, with little relief between contractions, the doubt set in. I doubted myself that I would be able to continue the process and endure the pain. Papa and Kim were so sweet and reassuring and when I told them I didn’t think I could do it any longer, they assured me that I was already doing it and that we’d soon be meeting you, our son. Never for one moment did I feel alone or abandoned. Instead I felt so much love from daddy and so much support and encouragement from Kim. Just when I felt like I couldn't go on any longer, I felt my water leaking and said “I think he’s coming!”. Kim ran and got Rosy who came promptly to perform another exam, but the contractions were so intense and coming so close together that the thought of another exam was unbearable. She timed the contractions and graciously waited a few more contractions for me to gain enough strength to let her check our progress and when she did, she informed us that it was, in fact, go-time. Kim held my head close and whispered that things were about to get a little chaotic, but to try my best to focus and breath. I could hear the shuffling of setting up the room for delivery, but just clung tighter to papa’s hands as I leaned my body against his and moaned through the pain. I felt a boost of energy as I knew it wouldn’t be long before we finally got to meet you.
The doctor arrived and with help, I was assisted onto the bed for the moment we had all been waiting for. I felt so much pressure and burning as the doctor prompted that it was time to start pushing. It felt so counter intuitive to push during the contractions because the pain was already so intense and I knew pushing would make it worse, but I also knew we were so close to meeting you and I just couldn’t wait any longer. During the next few contractions, I pushed and pushed with all my might, feeling my whole body shake as I bore down with every bit of strength I had, squeezing papa and Kim’s hands so tightly. The doctor proclaimed that he could see your head and daddy went to his side to witness your grand entry. “He has hair!” they said, and as I reached down and felt your tiny head, I got a surge of energy and excitement as I pushed through the final contractions with the force of a mama who had waited 10 long months to meet her baby boy. I screamed through the pain and bore down again with all my might as I felt your tiny head and then body emerge into this world.
I cannot begin to tell you how I felt in that moment when I first saw you and you were placed in my arms for the very fist time. You opened your eyes immediately and let out a little cry, and all the pain and suffering disappeared in an instant as I felt completely overcome with love and relief. We wept as we looked at your beautiful face and perfect body, and it was in that moment that papa and I fell totally and completely in love with you. The next minutes were spent in total bliss as papa eventually cut your cord, disconnecting your tiny body from mine, yet it was in that very instant that I felt more connected to you than ever before.
After about an hour in the tub, it was time for us to head back to the hospital for our scheduled check-up and by then the contractions were coming consistently every 3 minutes so we knew things were picking up. I called daddy (who was out changing the oil in our car—yes last minute is how we like to do things), and I told him I thought we should go to the hospital sooner than later. He made it home and we packed up all our gear in the car and headed off. The contractions were intensifying during the car ride, and though not unbearable by any means, required some concentration and breathing to get through.
When we got to the hospital, I was hooked up to the monitor to hear the always reassuring “thump thump” of your tiny heart, just beating away, never in any distress. The doctor came to check on our progress at about 10pm and after a quick cervical exam and removal of the Cervidil, informed us that we were only 3cm dilated with no real effacement. I wasn’t surprised, as the contractions had not been intense by any means, but he suggested that because we live so far away, we stay the night just in case things picked up.
Shortly after he left, things started to pick up a bit and we decided to call our doula, Kim, to join us. We tried to go for a walk in the halls, but didn’t make it to the door because of the pressure, and decided to just walk around the room, stopping during contractions for papa to hold me up. Kim arrived and set up the room for labor with salt lamps, and a diffuser for essential oils. I spent the next couple hours with the lights turned down low, draped over the yoga ball, squatting between papas knees, or on all fours during contractions. Kim and papa worked together to ease my pain by putting pressure on my back, gripping my hands, and whispering words of encouragement and reassurance that everything was going as it should.
A couple hours later, we decided to take a hot bath and as soon as I lowered my exhausted body into the water, with my head resting on papas lap, the pain and contractions went away. The relief was immediate and I found myself wishing I could stay in that moment forever. Unfortunately though, we had a job to do, and we couldn’t bring you into this world unless we continued on the path. In her sweet way, Kim suggested we get out of our watery reprieve and continue our efforts. And so, reluctantly, we did. With the contractions still virtually gone, our nurse, Rosy, came to check on us and do another cervical exam. When she informed us that we were still only 3cm dilated with virtually no effacement, I felt so discouraged and exhausted. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and she suggested that we take advantage of this time to rest. As we discussed Kim going home to get some sleep, and papa taking a nap, the contractions started up again and before we knew it, we were in the full swing of labour once again. Only this time, the pressure was so much more intense as your little body sank lower and lower into my pelvis. We got back on the yoga mat where we would stay until just before you were born.
The pain I felt over the next 2 hours was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I felt so much pressure and tightening with each contraction and dreaded each wave as it came. No longer did I feel relief with added touch by papa or Kim, and instead just stayed on my hands and knees and gripped their hands so firmly as I tried my best to breathe through the pain. With each passing surge, Kim reminded me that I was doing this for you, my little baby boy, and that each contraction was bringing us closer to you being placed in our arms. I felt totally in the zone as I succumbed to the sensations of my body and tried my best to transport myself to a warm yoga mat in the sun on a sandy beach.
After a couple hours of this exhausting effort, with little relief between contractions, the doubt set in. I doubted myself that I would be able to continue the process and endure the pain. Papa and Kim were so sweet and reassuring and when I told them I didn’t think I could do it any longer, they assured me that I was already doing it and that we’d soon be meeting you, our son. Never for one moment did I feel alone or abandoned. Instead I felt so much love from daddy and so much support and encouragement from Kim. Just when I felt like I couldn't go on any longer, I felt my water leaking and said “I think he’s coming!”. Kim ran and got Rosy who came promptly to perform another exam, but the contractions were so intense and coming so close together that the thought of another exam was unbearable. She timed the contractions and graciously waited a few more contractions for me to gain enough strength to let her check our progress and when she did, she informed us that it was, in fact, go-time. Kim held my head close and whispered that things were about to get a little chaotic, but to try my best to focus and breath. I could hear the shuffling of setting up the room for delivery, but just clung tighter to papa’s hands as I leaned my body against his and moaned through the pain. I felt a boost of energy as I knew it wouldn’t be long before we finally got to meet you.
The doctor arrived and with help, I was assisted onto the bed for the moment we had all been waiting for. I felt so much pressure and burning as the doctor prompted that it was time to start pushing. It felt so counter intuitive to push during the contractions because the pain was already so intense and I knew pushing would make it worse, but I also knew we were so close to meeting you and I just couldn’t wait any longer. During the next few contractions, I pushed and pushed with all my might, feeling my whole body shake as I bore down with every bit of strength I had, squeezing papa and Kim’s hands so tightly. The doctor proclaimed that he could see your head and daddy went to his side to witness your grand entry. “He has hair!” they said, and as I reached down and felt your tiny head, I got a surge of energy and excitement as I pushed through the final contractions with the force of a mama who had waited 10 long months to meet her baby boy. I screamed through the pain and bore down again with all my might as I felt your tiny head and then body emerge into this world.
I cannot begin to tell you how I felt in that moment when I first saw you and you were placed in my arms for the very fist time. You opened your eyes immediately and let out a little cry, and all the pain and suffering disappeared in an instant as I felt completely overcome with love and relief. We wept as we looked at your beautiful face and perfect body, and it was in that moment that papa and I fell totally and completely in love with you. The next minutes were spent in total bliss as papa eventually cut your cord, disconnecting your tiny body from mine, yet it was in that very instant that I felt more connected to you than ever before.
During your first few hours, we snuggled you skin to skin, fed you, and then introduced you to your grandma and grandpa and oma and opa along with some of your aunties and uncles. Everyone totally gushed with love over you and confirmed what we already knew—that you were the most beautiful and precious baby boy—all 7 pounds, 13 ounces, 19 and 1/2 inches of you.
Now as I sit here, watching you sleep, days after the initial “high” has worn off, my heart still throbs with affection for you. I really struggled to put into words the experience of your birth as it was filled with so much love and pain and wonderment, but my hope is that one day when you read your story, you will know that you were so completely loved from the second you entered this world and continue to be loved more and more with each passing day.
